Insecurity

I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a field day exploring me.  I have been an insecure person all my life and it has shaped my personality.  It exhibits itslf in some odd ways. 

When I was a kid I wanted a pair of cowboy boots.  I thought they were wonderful but unfortunately they were expensive and I never got a pair. I felt deprived and when I started making my own way in the world I pounced on this.  I bought a very nice pair of boots but was not satisfied.  I bought another pair.  And another pair.  And another pair.  Eventually I had over 300 pairs of boots.  I loved them.  Some were quite expensive.  Others not so.  I was obsessed.
The baggage of insecurity I carry is still with me. Before the landmark introduction of the PC by IBM, I was interested in computers.  I even bought an Altair kit and built one.  Having a decent education in mathematics prepared me for this.  I grew to love the machines and wanted more.  I started building and selling computers.  I couldn't get enough.  Most people are satisfied with having one computer.  Not me.  Today I have at least a dozen computers of every stripe.  Even more if counting the stripped carcasses of past machines. 

I wanted to feel self-sufficient.  I wanted to be in a position of control so that no matter what happened, I could  overcome any obstacle.  I learned everything I could about motorcycles.  I visited motorcycle scrapyards buying up crashed bikes and rebuilding them until I carried with me a wealth of knowledge.  I took long trips on a motorcycle traveling to places where I was completely on my own if I had a breakdown.  I secretly longed for such a thing to happen so I could prove to myself I was self-sufficient.  It never happened so I was never put into a situation where I had to prove my ability.  But I was ready! 

I became enthralled with photography in the salad days of single lens reflex cameras during the 1970s.  I became obsessed with being a professional photographer.  I wanted to quit my job with the telephone company and become a freelance photographer.  However, insecure people don't trade in a steady well paying job for a risky adventure like this.  As with other endeavors I took up, I learned everything I could about photography.  I read everything I could.  Once while looking at a full page advertisement for a new digital watch from Casio, I was astonished to discover that the watch was damaged.  I immediately recognized what the problem was because I just happened to own that model.  The advertising company that made the ad obviously didn't realize the watch was damaged.  I immediately wrote to Casio telling them that if I was doing their product photography this would never have happened.  They hired me to do some product photography for them!  I jumped on this with a fervor not even I could understand.  For better part of a year I did product phography for Casio.  I converted a bedroom in my house to a photography studio.  I spent a ton of money outfitting it.  I was in heaven.  After awhile things changed at Casio and they decided they no longer needed my services.  It was OK.  I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.